Every Smile You Fake
by my own patronus
Summary: Two boys met and fell in love. Ten months later, one of the boys was assaulted and left for dead. No one was ever arrested or convicted for the crime. Now, one is left to watch over the other. Blaine/OC. Warnings inside. Two shot.
1. Chapter 1

**Note**: So the other day, I was sitting in a car and "Every Breath You Take" by the Police came on the radio (aka the creepiest love song in existence). I was already in a really Blangsty mood, and so I decided to figure out how to make the song less creepy. I normally don't do first person POV, but it just started writing itself this way, and I went with it. This is pretty canon compliant for S2-S3 of Glee. Although Klaine does happen, it really is Blaine/OC centric.  
This is part 1 of 2. Part two will come soon-ish, but it's looking like it will be much shorter than part one.

**Background on this fic**: Blaine and Julian went to a school dance at the end of 8th grade, and Blaine has been at Dalton for all of high school.

**Summary**: Two boys met and fell in love. Ten months later, one of the boys was assaulted and left for dead. No one was ever arrested or convicted for the crime. Now, one is left to watch over the other.

**No Warnings for Part One (other than discussion of OC death, but he's dead the whole time). **However, there are warnings for majorly intense stuff in part two (nothing too graphic/explicit). I don't want to say them here because they'll spoil the story, but message me if you're worried. Warnings will be posted with part two.

Also posted on my tumblr (url is my-own-patronus)

* * *

_Part I - October 2009 - January 2010_

**1: The Neverplace (Julian)**

My name is Julian Lawrence. I was born on December 15, 1994.

My story isn't exciting or glamorous. I lived a boring life. I wasn't that kid who found out he had a terminal illness, so he changed the world completely. I wasn't the kid who everyone loved, and everyone cheered for. I wasn't a genius in the classrooms or a star on the fields. I was a nobody. And those times that people chose to notice me, to make me a somebody? Those weren't moments that anyone would look on fondly.

I was hated.

My name is Julian Lawrence. I was born on December 15, 1994. I died on August 12, 2009. And I think that's why.

I mean, I can't remember.

I don't really know what's happening now. I don't know what or where I am. But I have a body, and I can feel and think … I'm just not _there_ anymore.

I really can't remember why or how I died. But I do know that there's a reason I'm stuck here, and I know it's because of _him_.

* * *

**2. Westerville, OH (Blaine)**

Two months and six days.

It's been two months and six days. Sixty seven days. 1,608 hours. 96,480 minutes. 5,788,800 seconds.

It's been way too long since I lost him. My best friend. My first love. My last love. Julian.

I hadn't even seen him for almost a week before he died. I was with my family, visiting my brother at his new apartment in LA. Sure, we'd called and skyped and chatted a few times, but it wasn't the same. None of that could replicate holding a soft, warm hand or kissing those perfect lips.

And now I never will again.

So really, it's been two months, one week, and five days.

* * *

**3. The Neverplace (Julian)**

Everyone has that one friend. The one person who they'll remember forever, whose kids you want to meet in the future. The guy who you know is going to do something amazing. The one who always has your back. Your best friend.

Maybe it's your best friend from kindergarten who you haven't talked to in years, or your date to the 8th grade dance. But he exists for everyone.

I guess I was luckier than most that I got to call him mine at the end of my life.

We grew up in the same town, but were never close. We had a couple classes together over the years, ran into each other at birthday parties, played on the same soccer team for a year, but it wasn't until 8th grade when everything changed. That was the year when kids started dating.

I, of course, had no interest in the girls. I never had - I guess I had always known that I was gay. At the beginning of the year, I was pining over boys that I knew would never like me in _that way_ and he was dating a girl.

When they broke up three weeks later, she told the whole school it was because he was gay. At first, I thought she was being mean. Maybe he had been too shy to actually kiss her or something. But then I saw him - our eyes connected - and I knew. He was gay.

We spent the year together. First, we were friends. Then we were best friends. And then, in a moment that I still have trouble believing actually happened, he asked me to be his boyfriend.

At the end of the year dance, we danced together for the entire night, ignoring the angry glares from some of our classmates.

We spent every moment of the summer together, knowing it would be the last time we would have to really be together - in the fall, he was heading off to the private high school that his brother and father had attended, while I was staying in the public school system.

I can remember picnics in the park, watching the sunset from his backyard, our families coming together for a fourth of July barbecue, a weekend trip to the beach.

The last day I remember, I spent most of my time inside. It was disgustingly hot and relatively humid - especially for Westerville. He was on vacation with his family, so I didn't have any plans for the evening. I slept in late, had breakfast at noon which consisted of cold pizza and yogurt, read for a while, and played video games with my brother. When my brother left for a date and my parents came home from work, I moved to the basement and watched TV while chatting with him online. I stayed up unreasonably late to watch _Fresh Prince_ reruns on Nick at Nite, and then I went to bed.

I just can't remember anything after that.

* * *

**4. Westerville (Blaine)**

I'd never known anyone who died before. I mean, when I was five, my great uncle died, but I can barely remember him and they lived too far away for me to go to the funeral.

But I can remember August 12 like it was yesterday. Like it hasn't been 67 days of pure torture since the last time he was in my life.

Mom, dad, Cooper, and I were just going out for dinner at a Chinese place that Cooper swore by. We sat down in the restaurant, and I immediately began teasing Cooper for flirting with the waitress. Dad's phone rang, and mom rolled her eyes at him and scolded him for even having his phone on. He's always too busy with work. But he looked at the screen and seemed a little confused, so he answered it. And then he stiffened. He listened for a while, and then he got up and went outside to hear better. When he came back in, he was chalk white. I'd never seen dad look so scared.

Cooper and I hadn't really noticed anything was off at this point, so he and I were still messing around. He was teasing me about my hair and jokingly thanking mom for not passing that gene on to him. My back was to the door, but I saw both mom and Cooper sit up when they saw dad come back in.

And then dad stopped at the table. He didn't even sit down. He looked awful.

And I assumed it was Grandma Anderson - she'd been getting worse lately, her memory was failing rapidly. But then dad looked at me.

"Blaine," he said, "I need to talk to you for a minute."

I didn't know why he would only want to talk to just _me_ about Gram, and my stomach was already sinking as I got up. I knew something was wrong, and as much as I hate myself for this, I kept _hoping_ it was Gram.

"Blaine, that was Mr. Lawrence," he told me when we stepped outside. He looked sick. "He said - well, he said that Julian's been really badly hurt."

I just stared at dad, waiting for him to tell me that it would be alright.

"The doctors don't think Julian's going to survive the night."

And then I broke down. I clutched onto my daddy and I cried. We sank down to the ground, and he held me as I cried. I'd never felt smaller or younger or more helpless.

Eventually, mom and Cooper came out. I don't know if dad called them or they just figured it out, but soon they were all comforting me while dad called a taxi back to Coop's place.

He was gone before we even caught the plane the next day.

Everything moved too fast once I got home. His funeral was three days later. I held his cold hand for the last time, cried over his grave, watched as they lowered his body into the ground.

And then a week later, mom was telling me that I had to start getting ready for school. I just wanted to shout at her. I wanted to scream about how unfair it was. Why should I be allowed to go on if he would never get that chance?

But she dragged me out of the house and forced me to choose school supplies and try on uniforms, and then I was ready to be the perfect Dalton boy, just like Cooper and Dad had been.

* * *

**5. The Neverplace (Julian)**

It's really nice here. Almost perfect, in fact.

The grass is the perfect shade of green and so soft that you can lie down for hours without it becoming uncomfortable or sticky or itchy. The sky is always clear and blue, and the sun is never too bright or too strong. There are trees to climb and a creek bubbling past.

There's a building, and almost everytime I think of something I want, it creates it for me. Almost. It's still never brought me him.

There's a part of this place, over on the edges of my imagination, where the sky touches the land. Right there, there's a perfectly round, clear pond. It's small, no more than four feet across, but there's no bottom. It just goes on and on forever.

If I sit there and I think really hard, I can see him. It's almost as good as the real thing.

I watch him almost every day. Of course, I check in on my parents and my brother sometimes, too, but I feel like I left everything unfinished with him. I remember saying goodbye and I love you to them. That's one of my last memories. But I never got to tell him how I really felt.

* * *

**6. Westerville (Blaine)**

I've never told anyone this, especially not Julian's family, but I think I know why he died. I think it was because of me, because of us. It was pretty obvious how the other kids at school thought of us, even if they weren't forthright about it all the time. And then when we would go out on dates, even fully grown adults would look at us like we were scum. But if I told Julian's parents, they might blame me. I mean, the only reason Julian was as obviously gay as he was was because there was another boy hanging off of his arm. I can't have them hate me as much as I hate myself.

So when I started at Dalton, I decided to keep quiet.

It wasn't hard. I was swamped with the workload, so I spent most of my time after school doing work. During lunch, I read and studied, sitting at a table in the corner of the cafeteria so no one would notice me. I didn't talk to anyone.

* * *

**7. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I call this the Neverplace. It kinda reminds me of Neverland from _Peter Pan_ because I don't seem to be growing up or changing or anything, and I know time has passed. But I guess I wouldn't grow, seeing as I'm dead. There were a bunch of other names that occurred to me, too, like purgatory or limbo or King's Cross Station, but none of them seemed quite right.

The Neverplace hasn't been bad at all. I really do have everything I could ever need or want right here. If I get hungry, exactly what I have been craving appears in the neverbuilding. If I want to read a book, it's on the shelves. If I wanted to run up fifty flights of stairs, I'm sure the neverbuilding would grow. And if I need to see his face, to make sure that he's alright, I can find him in the neverpond.

* * *

When I woke up here, it was already October over there. I didn't know how long I'd been gone at first, but that last day I can remember - the perfectly normal day - was August 11.

I was confused when I woke up and I was in my bedroom - but not in my house. Because as soon as I left my bedroom, I was in a kitchen, and then I was outside, looking at the neverbuilding.

I wandered aimlessly for hours, trying to find my way back home - my real home, not the neverhome that the Neverplace had turned the neverbuilding into. Eventually, I went back to the neverbuilding and fell asleep and dreamed of my parents and my brother all crying at a funeral, and he was there too, and then I saw the grave and I knew I was dead.

Three days later, I found the neverpond. It was different from the creek because it was perfectly still and never ended. It was almost like a mirror. And I just decided to sit down there and think, and then all of a sudden, I could see his face.

He didn't look like I remembered, though. I mean, obviously the uniform and dress code changed things, but he wasn't carrying himself as proudly anymore. He was hunched over, and his eyes looked so sad.

It didn't occur to me that I was the reason until I saw him crying over a picture of us.

That night, I went back to the neverbuilding and I figured everything out. Well, not everything, not by a long shot. But I started thinking about what I'd seen and I put the pieces together and realized that something bad must have happened. I just can't decide if I should be glad that I still can't remember.

For the next month, I spent every waking moment watching him through the neverpond. Slowly, I saw him make friends and begin to stand taller. I almost cried the day I saw his first smile.

I cried with him that night when he realized that he'd gone a full day without thinking about me.

Sometimes I wish we had never met, because then he would have been happier.

* * *

**8. Westerville (Blaine)**

And now...today. Two months and six days after I last heard his voice.

I was walking down the hallway to my math class, and I bumped into another person. He didn't seem bothered; in fact, _he_ was the one who apologised to _me_. But my books still fell from my hands and I had to scramble on the ground to grab everything. By the time I was collected again, the halls were empty and the bell was about to ring.

And then I felt it.

That warm feeling that used to flow right through me whenever he smiled at me or took my hand and danced with me or when he would kiss me somewhere that the whole world could see, homophobes be damned. The one that felt like there was a golden warmth flowing through my veins. It felt like Julian. So I stood a little straighter as I walked to class.

* * *

**9. The Neverplace (Julian)**

We went on our first real date about two months after we became friends. _He'd_ asked _me_ out. I never thought I would get the courage to do that, and then this boy who had only come out three months ago was the one who was brave enough to ask me. I knew right then that I loved him.

Of course, we were also eighth graders with ten o'clock curfews and five dollar allowances, so dates weren't exactly anything fancy. But we did stop at a diner in downtown Westerville and then went to see a movie. We even held hands through most of the movie, even if we did drop them before the lights came up. And then our parents came to pick us up, and we promised to talk the next day.

It was pretty basic, pretty simple as far as first dates go - or so I've heard. That was my first - and only - first date. I'm glad it was with him.

* * *

**10. Westerville (Blaine)**

The warmth didn't last long. Just through my math lesson. Then I was back in the crowded halls that I feared for no real reason, and then hiding in my dorm room and ignoring my roommate. I was sure he, another freshman named Jeff, hated me. I would have hated me. I _did_ hate me.

But even if it didn't last, it was enough to reenergize me. It was like my battery had been running low, and now I was mostly charged again. I stood a little straighter, and I allowed myself to occasionally make eye contact with others. That weekend, I even talked to Jeff. I'm sure he was just as surprised as I was.

It was late on Saturday morning, and most kids had already finished breakfast. That was when I always ate my meals - when the cafeteria was emptiest. But when I came down there on Saturday and I saw Jeff sitting by himself, I collected my food and walked toward his table.

"Can - Can I sit here?" I asked, my voice slightly rough.

Jeff looked completely shocked to see - and hear - me, but he recovered quickly and moved his tray to make room for me.

"Thanks," I whispered. I didn't say anything else, but that itself was progress.

That night, I went down to dinner at the same time as everyone else. I had been thinking about joining Jeff again, but then I saw him at a table full of other kids. I recognised all of them from classes, but I didn't know any of them. So I decided to just keep walking past until -

"Blaine!"

My head shot to the side.

"Come sit with me!" Jeff called. I saw his friends exchange confused looks, some of them were probably annoyed that I was allowed to sit there, but I ignored it and numbly walked over to the table and set my tray next to Jeff's.

Back in our shared room, I curled up under the covers and waited for Jeff's breathing to become deep and even, indicating he had fallen asleep, before pulling a picture out from under my pillow and crying myself to sleep.

* * *

**11. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I've explored every corner of this place, and each time it's different. Well, not all of it changes. The neverpond and the place where the sky meets the earth always looks the same. But everything else changes.

Sure, the trees and the soft grass and the creek are always there, but sometimes, it'll rain and get cloudy if I'm sad or angry or just want it to. Sometimes, the ground climbs higher and higher and I have to scramble over rocks to climb it. Once - I can barely remember this now, and it's never happened again - but once buildings grew from the ground as I walked a cracked road behind them. It all felt slightly familiar, as if out of a dream, but I couldn't remember where. Maybe if I had been able to see inside or even the fronts of the buildings, I could have figured it out.

* * *

**12. Westerville (Blaine)**

I always had an hour or two after school alone in the dorm because Jeff had choir. He hadn't made it into the a cappella group in the first round of auditions, but he did join the freshman chorus and was planning to audition again for the second semester slots.

Mom and dad had wanted me to join the Warblers when I first came here. Coop had been a Warbler, and dad had even done it too (of course, in his day, the Warblers weren't that good - otherwise dad would have never been able to swing it). I told them that I didn't make it in, which wasn't surprising because I'm a freshman. I never even auditioned though. Nothing seemed to bring me any joy after Julian.

At least not until I felt that warmth. Then, suddenly, small things started being nice again. Instead of slowly dying away, I could keep myself going at half charge. A coffee in the morning almost made me smile, and listening to music at night began to replace crying over his picture before falling to sleep.

I was showering after school one day in early November and didn't know that Jeff's choir had let out early. For the first time in ages, I had decided to let go and I was belting out showtunes as if it was my job. There was a frantic knocking at my door when I was halfway through "Petrified" and, ironically, I froze in place, breath catching in my throat. I turned off the water and quickly wrapped the towel around my waist before going to the door and trying to seem calm when I opened it.

"Ye-yeah?"

"Dude, was that you singing in there?" Jeff asked, sticking his head in the door and looking around, as if expecting to see me hiding Boy George behind the shower curtain. I may be gay, but I'm certainly not _that_ gay. And anyway, he didn't know that.

I nodded numbly, unable to form any words.

"That was amazing! Why aren't you in chorus? Forget that, why didn't you audition for the Warblers?"

I just shrugged at him and walked over to my dresser so I could get redressed. I had barely spoken at all in the past few weeks, and this was quickly becoming overwhelming. Instead of ignoring me, as had been our agreement for our first two months together, however, Jeff followed me.

"Dude, I get that you're shy. But with a voice like that, you _need_ to show the world! You're fantastic!"

I flushed a little, dropping my chin to my chest to hide it from Jeff. The truth was, I _had_ wanted to join the Warblers ever since I was six and I saw Coop at his first show with them. But after recent circumstances, everything had changed.

Which brought me to here, dripping wet, wearing nothing but a soaked undershirt and a towel, trying to find words to speak with.

"I can't," I finally decided on. I ignored Jeff as he began playing music and talking, as if that would get me to change my mind.

But when I went to bed that night, I thought about the upcoming second semester Warblers auditions as I turned on my playlist.

* * *

**13. The Neverplace (Julian)**

Once I tried taking a bucket from the neverbuilding and filling it with water from the neverpond. I thought that maybe I could bring it back to my room and keep him with me always.

But every time I filled the bucket, it would be empty and dry as soon as it reached my hands. I could touch the neverpond's water, but I couldn't grasp it, and my hand never got wet. I never let myself get too close, though, because I was afraid of what would happen when I fell into the unending depths.

* * *

Sometimes, I could hear everything through the neverpond as if they were happening right next to me. Other times, it was like I was watching a movie with the TV on mute. When the sound was the clearest was whenever he was singing.

* * *

**14. Westerville (Blaine)**

In the weeks after Thanksgiving break, I took to sitting with Jeff at every meal. Sure, I still barely talked, but it was progress. By early December, he'd even learned of my legacy at Dalton and that my brother was "that cheesy guy" from the commercials on TV.

In turn, I learned about him and his family and his best friend, Nick (who he had almost moved in with when it appeared that I was a lost cause of a roommate). Nick and Jeff's other friends - Trent, Michael, Sam, and Travis - started hanging out in our room more often now that it appeared I wasn't a freak. It felt kinda nice to be a part of something again, even if I was only resting on the fringes.

The guys at Dalton kinda reminded me of the group that I used to hang out with in middle school, once I came out and Julian and I started dating. They had all been Julian's friends first, and I hadn't talked to them since the funeral, but they were great. There were five of us - me, Julian, Kerry, Alicia, and Carolyn. There were also some other people that we would occasionally hang out with, but they were the main ones. And they were my best friends other than Julian. They didn't mind that we were gay - in theory or in practice.

I remember this one time - last April. We were at the mall, all five of us. It was a Sunday afternoon, and we were just sitting in the food court. There weren't enough chairs, so I had volunteered to sit in Julian's lap. He'd pretended to protest, so I kissed him - just barely brushing my lips against his forehead. And then a man sitting at the table behind us had decided to butt in.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he'd demanded. All five of us had looked up in shock.

"What?" Kerry asked.

"Not you, although I can't believe a good kid like you would let something like _that_ happen." The emphasis and the head flick towards me and Julian told us all we needed to know. "There are kids around here!" he hissed through clenched jaws.

"Plenty of other couples are doing much worse than us," Julian had said calmly, squeezing me slightly to comfort me.

"You shouldn't be parading your - _abnormalities_ around where everyone can see it!"

Julian and I were both readying to protest when Kerry had opened her mouth. She basically screamed at the man for trying to force his bigoted, small-minded views on others and being a nuisance to us. Here she was, this petite 13-year-old girl, knocking this huge man down to the ground until he'd retreated like a dog with its tail between its legs.

* * *

**15. The Neverplace (Julian)**

There was no way to tell time in the Neverplace. It was morning when I woke up, and it was night when I wanted to go to sleep. It was cold if I wanted snow, and hot if I wanted to go swimming in the cold, clear creek. But I knew time was moving back in Westerville, I just didn't know how fast.

But one morning I woke up and went to the neverpond, and suddenly the Neverplace around me grew cold and stormy and angry and I had never seen it like that before.

And then I looked in and I saw him and I knew.

It was like the Neverplace had known what I would want before I had even wanted it. Or maybe, the Neverplace was reacting to him.

He looked a wreck - disheveled, lying in bed, eyes red-rimmed.

It was my birthday.

I watched him and saw the sadness brewing inside of him, and the storms in the Neverplace grew stronger.

* * *

**16. Westerville (Blaine)**

I woke up on December 15 feeling like crap. In the last few weeks, I had been improving slightly, but seeing the big 15 on my calendar - and realising that he'd never have his golden birthday, or be in his twenties, or ever _be_ again at all - made me turn into that scared kid from day one.

I didn't even pay attention in my classes that morning, and I ended up heading back to my dorm at lunch and crying in bed all day.

Cooper and mom and dad all called me, but I ignored them.

When Jeff came back that afternoon, he asked if I had been sick. I just curled up on my side and turned on my iPod, letting the music drown everything out.

The next morning, I felt strangely better.

* * *

**17. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I don't know what exactly changed for him, but suddenly I could hear him so much more often. That had been one of my favorite things to do when we had been dating - just lie on my bed and listen to him sing anything that came to his mind. When I had first found him in the neverpond, I was shocked when I didn't hear him singing.

Then I would occasionally hear it.

And then it all picked up. Whenever he had a free moment, it seemed, he was singing to himself. Not as strongly or confidently as I remember, nor were the songs as happy, but I could hear his voice again.

That was the thing I'd been worried about most.

Sometimes when I would sit and listen, the whole Neverworld would seem to fade away a bit. And then when his breath would hitch on the last note, it would come rushing back in strong focus.

* * *

On Christmas day, I took a break from watching him, and I watched my family instead. I felt a pang of guilt as I realized that their lives had probably been torn apart, too, but I had completely ignored them in favor of a boy.

It was hard to watch my mom and dad and brother and know that I couldn't just reach out and touch them. It was even harder to think about the box stuffed under my bed where I had hidden a really nice necklace (picked out by him - his taste is so much better than mine) for my mom. I wanted her to have it. But she never would, not unless she dug through every inch of my room.

At the end of the day, there was still a small pile of wrapped gifts under the tree. I was confused until I saw my mom carrying them upstairs. All three seemed to stop breathing for a moment, and then my dad pushed my door open.

My room was exactly as I had left it. I doubt they'd spent more than a few minutes in there since August. There was still a book on my bedside table, lying open on the page I had last been on.

I haven't been able to finish that book here, and I doubt I ever will.

My mom walked into the room and set the boxes on my bed before quickly walking out. I saw a tear fall from her eye before she shut off the light.

I had to leave then. I couldn't watch them anymore. That was the moment when I realized why I only watched him and not my parents. It was just as hard, but he still had a chance of getting over me. There is nothing that can ever change or replace the loss of your youngest son.

* * *

**18. Westerville (Blaine)**

I slept in on Christmas morning for the first time ever. Even Coop got up before me and looked surprised when I padded down the stairs at 10. I tried to smile weakly at mom and dad, but we all knew it wasn't there.

I hated how much I was hurting them.

While mom and dad prepared dinner that night, I asked Cooper to take me for a drive. Without realising it, I gave him directions to Julian's house. But as we walked up to the porch, I knew it was right.

I knocked on the door, and when Mrs. Lawrence saw it was me, she practically assaulted me with a hug.

Cooper and I talked with Julian's family for ages, and I actually felt myself smiling - really smiling - for the first time in way too long. I ate my fill of frosted sugar cookies (trying to not remember the Christmas frosting fight of 2008) and as I was getting up to leave, a flash of light caught my attention and reminded me of an almost forgotten memory.

"Last - uh, last June, we were shopping and I - I helped him pick out - It was a gift for you, for Christmas," I stuttered. I hoped my words were coming out right, making sense. I didn't think I'd be able to say them again. "I know he was - he was really excited to give it to you," I continued. "Do you want it? I mean, I know where he hid it and - I think he'd - he might want you to still - to still have it even though…"

The room turned tense as tears sprung to Mrs. Lawrence's eyes before she nodded.

Walking up the stairs to his room was hard. Actually opening the door was a challenge. But most difficult by far was crossing the threshold. Once I managed to actually enter the room, I was immediately assaulted by his smell and surrounded by a million things that were, pure and simple, _him_. _Julian_. The whole room just screamed "emotional turmoil," so I tried to be as fast as possible. But that didn't stop me from grabbing a small origami crane from his dresser top before I left with the small box in hand.

When Mrs. Lawrence opened the box and pulled the delicate gold chain from inside it, I held my breath. The shop had first attracted Julian because it was shiny and sparkly - exactly what he thought a gift for a woman should be. After browsing the shelves for close to an hour, I'd thought I'd found the perfect gift.

The small charm caught in the light and I could feel everyone in the room gasp in the beauty of the reflected Christmas lights. At the end of the chain, a small hippopotamus hung, dancing in the light that seemed to come from nowhere.

"It's beautiful," she gasped. Leaning down towards me and holding out the chain, she said, "Can you…?"

With shaking hands, I latched the necklace around Mrs. Lawrence's next. To the best of my knowledge, she hasn't taken it off since.

* * *

**19. The Neverplace (Julian)**

Watching him give my mom the necklace was bittersweet. It felt like putting some sort of closure on the pain that had been my mom, but at the same time… now there was nothing tying me to her. Nothing I desperately had to show her.

As the charm caught the light on my end of the neverpool, I thought about the hippo and what the sales woman had said when he had brought it to the counter for me. I'd been laughing at him, telling him that my mother was going to hate me for implying that she was like a hippo or something, and the lady had just looked me sternly in the eye and said, "Child, you don't know how wise your boy here is. A hippopotamus is not some fat, lazy creature that lies in the water all day. She is fiercely strong, powerful, and her protective instincts are not to be tested - the mother's fury is the most terrifying. Her wisdom covers creation, imagination, healing, grace, lucid dreaming, and more."

How fitting.

* * *

**20. Westerville (Blaine)**

After giving Mrs. Lawrence the necklace, something inside me shifted. I felt lighter than I had in ages, and I started looking up when I walked. I even caught up with Kerry, Alicia, and Carolyn briefly over break.

When I got back to school, I didn't tell anyone, but I planned to audition for the Warblers. I think Jeff figured it out, though, because he didn't look too surprised when I walked into the room crowded with boys after school on the first Friday of the new semester.

I ended up taking a seat next to Trent, one of Jeff's friends who was quieter than the rest. Because of that, he often ended up on the sidelines like me. Although we'd never really spoken, I felt a kind of kinship with him.

As each auditioning boy got up to sing, I became more nervous and more thankful that my name was at the end of the sheet. They had all been pracitising in choir for the past few months, while here I was, waltzing in with barely any preparation.

By the time my name was called, there were only two others who needed to audition, all the current Warblers, and Jeff and Trent still in the room. I guessed that was the smallest audience I would get.

"Anderson as in Cooper Anderson?" one of the council members asked as I adjusted myself in front of the piano. I nodded, unable to form words. God, if I couldn't even talk, how was I supposed to sing?

"Whenever you're ready," he told me. I could see the excited looks exchanged between him and the others. They all expected something great from their "famous" alum's younger brother. I hated disappointing people.

My fingers began to shake as I held them over the keys. I could tell that people were starting to wonder why I hadn't started yet, so I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and imagined that I was lying with my head in Julian's lap, singing only to him like I had so many times before.

The familiar tune surely caught the attention of the rest of the room, and I cursed myself for choosing such a frivolous song. Well, no going back.

I opened my mouth and began to sing.

_"Somehow I cannot hide  
__who I am, though I've tried.  
__When will my  
__reflection show who I am inside?"__  
_

I was shaken from the peaceful place in my head when I heard the applause. Not even bothering to look up, I ran out of the room.

Jeff and Trent caught up to me at my room, and I wished I could just melt into the carpet until Jeff said, "Damn, Blaine, I was hoping that I'd actually make it in this time! Maybe I shouldn't have told you to audition - then I'd still have a chance!"

"Wh-what?" I asked.

"That was by far the _best_ audition all day!" Trent added, nodding enthusiastically.

"The Warblers are probably already conspiring about ways to, like, hold you back so you can stay on the team forever. I wouldn't be surprised if you got a solo before the end of the semester."

I couldn't believe them. I wanted to, so badly, but I just couldn't hope for something good to happen for fear that it would be ripped away.

* * *

**21. The Neverplace (Julian)**

In May, we all went for a sleepover at Carolyn's house for her birthday. Her parents were okay with boys sleeping over, which had been surprising - but maybe it had something to do with the fact that both of the boys were gay. Alicia had to lie to her parents and say that we were going home, but otherwise, everyone was allowed to come. There were a few other girls there that we occasionally hung out with, but he and I were the only two boys.

It was a Disney themed party, and she'd told everyone that they wouldn't be admitted into her house unless they came in costume. Then, she'd spent weeks telling each of us who we had to come as.

He had wanted to come as Dumbo. He'd gone so far as to rip up an old gray sweatshirt and glue it around two wire hangers to make elephant ears. But Alicia said he had to be Prince Eric. I was, of course, going to take his side on the matter, even if I did think he'd look better in the open-neck white shirt.

I was given freedom on the matter, since Alicia said I didn't have as striking of a Disney doppelgänger. So I simply wore a suit and a crown and claimed I was Prince Charming. Alicia would have probably given me grief about my lackluster costume, but he arrived right after me and _had_ dressed as Eric.

We spent the whole night being "disgustingly cute" (her words, not mine) Princes, cuddling on the couch while _Mulan_ played on the TV in the background.

* * *

**22. Westerville (Blaine)**

I woke up unreasonably early on the day the Warbler list was posted, so I snuck off to the cafeteria and saw the list the moment it was posted. I'd wanted to avoid anyone being there to see my dreams dashed to the ground.

But they weren't. Dashed to the ground, that it. At the very top of the (alphabetical) list, my name was written in bold, black letters. I scanned further down and saw that Nick, Jeff, and Trent had all made the cut this time as well.

My first real smile since August broke out across my face right then.

* * *

I called Cooper that night to give him the news, and he must have called mom right after because I got a call from her and dad saying how thrilled they were for me. I was about to accuse them of overreacting when I realised that I had been basically catatonic for the past few months.

So I decided to change. When Jeff walked in and casually mentioned that he was going to Nick's for a movie night, I actually accepted the invitation. He froze for a moment, as if he didn't know what to do, and then he turned around and faced me with the biggest smile.

"Really?" he asked.

"Sure," I answered. "Why not. I've got to stop - stop living in the past some time."

* * *

**23. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I didn't know whether I was crying tears of joy or sadness when I saw him start to hang out with the guys. I was so happy that he was moving on and I wasn't causing him pain anymore, but I was terrified that he would forget me.

I felt awful for loving every moment that he stopped and stared at a picture of me and his eyes grew wet.

* * *

**24. Westerville (Blaine)**

The first Warblers rehearsal was terrifying and exhilarating. It started off with all the old members performing for us, and then the council split us into groups based on vocal parts and had them teach us the steps and notes.

Singing a cappella is a lot harder than it looks, but like I said, I'd been planning on being a Warbler since the first time I saw Coop on stage with them. As a kid, I'd watched Coop practice in his room and attempted to replicate his moves. At some point, he'd even moved on to teaching them to me, so I'd actually been learning Warblers routines since I was seven.

I explained that to one of the upperclassmen with a blush when he asked, and he looked really deeply at me for a while.

"I think you're going to blow Cooper Anderson's legacy out of the water," was all he said to me.

* * *

When we got back in our room that afternoon, Jeff and I were both exhausted. I went straight to doing my homework while he opted to instead mess around on his computer. Even though I'd opened up a bit, I still wasn't talking a lot. I don't think we said two words to each other that night.

But the next day, we did.

I was getting ready for bed after finishing my homework, and Jeff was sitting hunched over his work on his desk. I was just pulling out the picture of me and Julian and turning on my iPod when Jeff spoke.

"Blaine? Can I ask you a kinda personal question?"

I stiffened, but nodded slowly.

"It's just - I try to give you your space and stuff, and I respect your privacy. But sometimes, when I get up at night, you're awake. And I always see you staring at something under your pillow before bed, and sometimes it falls during the night."

My stomach sank. I knew where this was going.

* * *

**25. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I woke with a start, much earlier than I wanted to. This was the first time since coming to the Neverplace where I hadn't gotten a full, perfect night's sleep. I didn't know what was happening until I saw the clouds near the neverpond.

This world will never stop surprising me. The colours were more vibrant than they'd been in the last few days, and the beauty was really accentuated, but the storm … I had no idea what that was about.

So I approached the neverpond and thought about him and then I saw him. It was nighttime back in Westerville, and he was sitting on the edge of his bed and shaking in panic. I wanted to jump into the water and land next to him and comfort him, but somehow I knew that I couldn't do that.

So I watched.

I watched as he shook and almost cried. I could faintly hear him speaking, and then I heard my name.

I was entranced.

And then later, I don't even know how much time passed, he smiled again. It was still such a rare occurrence. And the sun came out brightly above the Neverplace even though I wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep.

* * *

**26. Westerville (Blaine)**

I panicked. I started shaking. My breath came in short bursts, and suddenly I couldn't breathe at all. And then I felt a warm hand on my back and another, completely unrelated, golden warmth spread through my body.

"My boyfriend died in August," I whispered.

I didn't know what to expect. Would Jeff be like the girls and not care, or would he be like my old classmates and tease me, or would he be like the man at the mall and hate me?

I could only think of the last time I came out to anyone. It was the start of eighth grade. I had started "dating" Sarah Billings over the summer, and she kept asking why I never kissed her or held her hand. At first, the bashful thing had worked for me, but after a few weeks, she was getting annoyed. And this was at the same time that I'd realized that I wasn't looking at girls like I was supposed to - I was looking at _boys_ that way. And when I was taking care of myself at night, I was thinking about Brad Pitt, shirtless in his most recent movie, and not Scarlett Johansson. So I told her that I liked her, but not like that. I told Sarah I thought I was gay.

And she'd laughed in my face, until she'd realized that I was serious. And then she screamed at me and ran away, and told _everyone_. The next day at school, all my friends were laughing at me. They weren't exactly saying anything mean, but they all seemed to think that it was a phase, or I was lying because I didn't want to dump Sarah. When I made it clear that I wasn't lying and I was really gay, they all slowly stopped hanging out with me. A few went a step further and said things I'd hoped to never hear from people I'd once considered to be friends.

And then I'd met Julian and it had all been okay.

Now, looking up at Jeff, he just smiled sadly. "That's … that's awful, Blaine. Was it - I mean, was he sick, or…?"

I blinked. Jeff hadn't minded the part where my boyfriend had been a boy. "No. It was an-an accident," I said. "Julian, he - it was bad, and I wasn't even in town so I never got to say goodbye."

"I'm here for you if you ever need to talk," Jeff offered. Then he looked at me, and amended his statement. "Or, you know, just sit in silence, 'cuz I guess that's more your sort of thing."

I laughed. Actually laughed. And then I smiled.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warnings are posted at the end - they might spoil the plot, so if you don't think you'll be affected, don't read ahead. **I mean, this is pretty tame when it comes to warnings on _almost _all fronts for my fics. I don't even have any explicit language as far as I can remember.

Also posted on my tumblr (url is my-own-patronus)

* * *

_Part II - October 2010 - January 2012_

**1. Westerville (Blaine)**

Sometimes I think about how I was a year ago. I was a terrified kid who didn't talk, who didn't have friends, who probably was a mental case waiting to happen.

And now, look at me.

Jeff laughs and jokes sometimes that he wishes he'd never asked me about Julian. Because after that night, after I finally opened up to him, I started talking. And apparently, I never stopped. In my defense, I had a lot of talking and conversations to make up for.

I still think about Julian a lot. Every day. But sometimes, an entire day will go by and I won't remember that I have a dead boyfriend until I'm getting ready to fall asleep, and then I'll feel it. It still hits me like a truck.

Sometimes I dream about him at night. He still looks the same, even though I've changed. I don't recognise anything except for him. He's sitting in this beautiful field; there's a stream and trees that are perfect for climbing and the sky is clear. It looks like the perfect place for a picnic date. Sometimes, he's reading, or eating. I've even dreamed about him gazing aimlessly at a small pond. I've tried shouting out to him, but I can't talk in my dreams, nor can I hear him.

* * *

**2. The Neverplace (Julian)**

It's harder to watch him from the Neverpond now. It's only been a year, but he's changed so much. He's shed his baby fat and started shellacking his hair on his head with tubfuls of gel. I know he's forgetting me and moving on and it kills me to realise that soon there won't be a soul in the world who remembers that I existed; at least, no one who remembers me in _that way_.

There's another part of me that knows, logically, that even if I were still alive, we wouldn't be together anymore. We'd be too different now. I'd be with the girls at the public school - maybe I'd have joined the debate team or the French Honors Society. He'd be at Dalton, boarding full time, and singing with the Warblers constantly.

Maybe it was best that we ended while still in love.

* * *

**3. Westerville (Blaine)**

Wes, David, and Trent are the new Warbler's council. David was actually the one last year who predicted that I'd surpass Coop's legacy - and today, his prediction is about to come true. I'm about to become the first sophomore to lead the Warblers.

I barely paid any mind to the new kid as I rushed to the performance, but about halfway through "Teenage Dream" it clicked in my head and I realised that he wasn't a new kid at all, but a spy.

Afterwards, he, Wes, David, and I talked. There was something so delicate about him, and his fear seemed so familiar. Not only was it the same fear that I had when I first came to Dalton, but it was the fear of being hated for who you are. At my old school, I'd been surrounded by supportive people, but I still got plenty of angry looks and a few physical put-downs. And there had been the eighth grade dance, which had been perfect in all ways but one.

I talked to the kid, gave him advice I wished I'd followed. Because there was still a part of me that blamed me for Julian's death.

* * *

**4. The Neverplace (Julian)**

Watching him with the new kid was painful. Kurt was so obviously in love with him, and he was so adorably, typically oblivious. I tried to engage myself in something else, something other than watching him. I checked in on my family more. I watched movies, read books. I explored every changing inch of the Neverplace.

I didn't fail to notice when the colours grew paler. Nor when I became more lethargic.

Vibrancy was seeping out of the Neverplace.

* * *

**5. Westerville (Blaine)**

Right after I came out, I started hanging out with Julian and the girls. It was a seamless transition, actually. One day, I was hanging out with my old friends and Sarah, then the next day, they were all laughing at me.

The next day, I found a new table to sit at. A girl from my English class - Kerry - came over to talk to me, and then three of her other friends joined us - including Julian.

The second I saw him, there was instant attraction, at least there was on my end. I grinned stupidly at him and tried to keep focused on telling Kerry about the assignment, but my eyes kept sliding back over to him. That was the moment when I decided love at first sight was true. Of course, now I realise that I was probably just a stupid, sexually-frustrated eighth grader who was seeing a pretty boy for the first time, but I like the romanticism of the other option.

A few weeks after that, I started occasionally hearing slurs in the hallway. Once or twice, balls were aimed at my head in gym class, and I got the occasional push in the hallway. But otherwise, everything was perfect.

So perfect, in fact, that by thanksgiving, I'd built up the courage to ask if he'd like to be more than a friend. We'd already been on two dates, so on our third, I decided to keep holding his hand even after the movie ended. Then, when we were standing by the fountain in the park around the corner, I asked if I could kiss him.

He said yes.

Then I asked if he would be my boyfriend.

He said yes to that, too.

After Julian, I expected falling in love would always be so fast and easy. After Julian, I also stopped looking for it. So that was why I didn't notice Kurt - at least, not like _that_. Not until I fell hard and fast.

It was his beauty and passion for everything in life that drew me in. When he was singing about that bird, I just wanted to jump up and hug him to make him better. Better yet, I wanted to kiss him.

I watched him, and everything that had fallen out of place since Julian seemed to come back together.

* * *

**6. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I knew he'd move on eventually. And he did. After he asked Kurt out, he thought of me less and less. The neverpool got duller, too, and I could barely hear him at all, even when he was singing.

The Neverplace stopped being so cheerful all the time. It was dull and gray and stormy most days. I found myself focusing not on the happy moments I had spent with him, but the worst.

Like the eighth grade dance.

We'd decided to go together, even though we knew there were more than a few people who disapproved - other students and their parents, mostly. Kerry, Alicia, Carolyn, and Carolyn's boyfriend, Ross, acted as a sort of honor guard for us the whole night, though, so we weren't bothered.

But then I went out to the bathroom and to get a bit of fresh air. And when I was leaving, two guys from our class confronted me. They shouted and threatened and shoved - no worse than usual. But I had taken too much time, so he'd come looking for me.

Once our numbers were even, the boys decided it was okay to attack.

None of us were exactly strong or skilled fighters, so it consisted of mostly everyone messily throwing and dodging punches until the noise attracted a chaperone and she threw us all out.

Looking back on it like that, it doesn't seem that bad. Nothing bad happened. We were both okay, unharmed. But at the time, we were terrified when we realized that people might want to do more than glare at us for being gay.

* * *

**7. Westerville (Blaine)**

The day Kurt asked me to prom, I froze. I remembered my last dance, with Julian, where we could have been hurt badly. And then I thought about how Julian really _had_ been hurt badly - so badly, he'd been killed. I couldn't go through that again, not even a fraction of that pain. I didn't know if I would be able to find the golden warmth inside me again if that happened again.

I knew it was selfish, but I didn't care.

At least, I didn't until I saw Kurt's face. He looked so sad and hurt, like I had just kicked his new puppy. And I couldn't say no to that.

I found myself constantly thinking about Julian in the next few weeks, before and after prom passed without any physical assaults. He had always been in the back of my mind, but suddenly, he was there in everything I did. It was bittersweet.

* * *

**8. The Neverplace (Julian)**

Spring came back to the Neverplace. Of course, I knew that it didn't have seasons, it just changed based on my whims, but the gray bleakness had ended and it was warm and bright and vibrant and sunny again.

I felt so much more alive - or, energised, I guess would be a better word for it - too.

I passed my days sitting along the banks of the neverpond, occasionally glancing down to check on him, and folding paper cranes to float on the surface. They were the only type of oragami that either he or I could make, and we used to write each other stupid little notes and then fold them up like that. I had a whole box of paper cranes in my closet, but my favorite had always rested on my dresser, so I could always look at it.

It hadn't come with me to the Neverplace.

* * *

**9. Westerville (Blaine)**

Over the summer, Kurt tried to wear down my resolve and convince me to transfer to be with him at McKinley. But Dalton was my home. All my friends were there, my dad and brother had gone there, and it was where I had learned to be myself again. I didn't know if I could give that up.

And then I thought of Julian. Life's too short to not live every minute like your last. And if there was any chance that Kurt might one day disappear from my life, I wanted to make sure that I had taken advantage of every moment that we did have. I didn't want any regrets.

So I transferred.

Jeff, Trent, and the other Warblers were crushed. And I felt awful, leaving them without a lead singer, but I knew that I would keep visiting my friends. I wouldn't let them go, either.

* * *

**10. The Neverplace (Julian)**

After he switched schools, everything became so much more of a blur - for both of us. He was busy with adjusting to a new environment, a faster-paced glee club, and the lead in the musical. He was forgetting about me. It wasn't that he was just thinking about me less - he was forgetting.

Because only forgetting could make me so transparent and lost here in the Neverplace.

Sometimes, I tried to remember for him. I would concentrate on him and then concentrate on a specific memory of our time together. I don't know if it ever worked.

After a while, watching him became too hard. It was hard to sum up the energy to focus on him long enough. So instead, I let myself watch our memories, like they were a home movie.

I watched us playing around at the park behind my house. I watched the first time I said "I love you." I watched the first time we introduced each other to our parents. I watched my last Christmas, when he had decided to smear frosting all over my face. I watched important days, like Valentine's day, and unimportant ones, like when we did homework together on March 12.

There was always something itching at the edges of my memory, and I would see a flash of it before I turned away from the neverpool. But each time, as soon as I turned back, it was gone again.

But it always left me scared, cold, and shaking.

* * *

**11. Westerville (Blaine)**

There was a new transfer to Dalton who ended up replacing me as head Warbler. I knew someone obviously had to replace me, but I still felt jealous as I watched him dancing in his blazer in front of everyone. I missed that. I missed goofing off with Nick and Jeff backstage, I missed working on homework with Trent, I even missed the stupid uniform and strict rules of Dalton.

And then I looked at Kurt and I smiled.

I kept up my promise to the boys of course, and I visited them and hung out with them as much as I could. Sebastian, the new soloist, couldn't even deter me from going, although he made me a bit uncomfortable with all his advances and sexual suggestions.

I don't know if it was because I was still associating with a rival glee club, or because another boy was hitting on me, or what, but I always seemed to have an uneasy feeling when I woke up from dreams. Dreams that I couldn't remember, that slipped from the edges of my memory, but always left me scared, cold, and shaking.

* * *

**12. The Neverplace (Julian)**

The Neverplace isn't as big anymore. It's like it's falling in on me as I'm being forgotten. The neverbuilding is frozen, no longer creating any room I desire, and I'm scared about what will happen when it forgets how to make food, too.

The creek isn't as happy and bubbly, and the trees are bare.

And the neverpond is dull and murky, and it doesn't seem as endless. It's now almost too hard to summon enough concentration and focus to see him, or even a memory.

But it's always flashing something dark and foreboding, the same thing that hides in the corners of all my memories now.

I can almost see what it is - it's dark and shadowed and blurry, but I can make out shapes. It's like a street, but none that I would ever go on by choice. It's dark and dirty, and surrounded by buildings too tall and too close to escape.

* * *

**13. Westerville (Blaine)**

When I told the Warblers we were doing Michael Jackson, I never thought they'd turn on me and steal the idea. I suddenly felt very alone with the hate pouring in on me from both teams. Even Kurt, who knew I hadn't meant to ruin the plan, was still a bit icy towards me.

It didn't help that I was always tired and jumpy now, too. I could barely sleep for a few hours without being awoken by dreams - nightmares, really. It was always the same thing - a dirty alleyway surrounded by buildings that blocked out any light.

* * *

**14. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I love him.

That's the only way I can find enough strength to sit up each morning.

The Neverplace had collapsed or condensed so much now that the neverpool is right outside the neverbuilding. I only leave its edge when I have to drag myself in to eat whatever meagre food the neverbuilding has been able to provide.

I love him.

But it isn't enough to see him at all anymore, in memory or real life.

* * *

**15. Westerville (Blaine)**

The nightmares have gotten worse. I can barely sleep at all, and I feel so sick from the feeling they leave me with that I haven't even been eating properly.

And on top of all that, the New Directions want me to prove my loyalty by going for a dance-off against the Warblers.

I agree, but only because I know they'll hate me if I don't.

So I pull the black hoodie out of my closet and tug it on until it covers my face.

* * *

**16. The Neverplace (Julian)**

The black hood and ski mask cover his face.

* * *

**17. Westerville (Blaine)**

We meet in an empty parking lot after closing hours. It's eerie, and the hairs on the back of my next stand up as we walk past an alleyway before going underground.

* * *

**18. The Neverplace (Julian)**

The alleyway is small, and hidden from anyone who might be on the street by shadows from the oppressively tall buildings on either side.

* * *

**19. Westerville (Blaine)**

I don't hear them until they appear in front of us, and I almost jump in surprise. None of my friends look like themselves anymore. They have anger in their eyes.

And then we begin to dance and sing.

I can't even concentrate on most of what I'm doing, but the anger in Sebastian's eyes keeps me here.

* * *

**20. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I look at the neverpool, and it's as if it's playing two movies at the same time.

First I see him. He's dressed dark, like he's looking for trouble. He's walking through dark, empty streets, and for some reason I want to yell at him that it's a bad idea.

Then I see something that I don't remember but I do recognise. It's the alleyway that's always at the edge of my mind. But now it's here and I can see it in full.

And then … I'm there. I have a bag in my hand and I know that there's a movie in it that I had bought to watch with him. I know where I am - in downtown Westerville, walking toward the bus stop.

I see a large group of boys sneak up on him and his friends. They're his old friends, but I can feel the animosity that has suddenly blossomed between them.

I'm excited for when he gets home from LA, for a cosy night spent cuddling on the couch and watching the film.

I don't see them coming.

* * *

**21. Westerville (Blaine)**

Kurt doesn't see it coming, but I saw Sebastian turn around. I saw the slushie in his hand. So when he starts to toss it towards my boyfriend, I jump forward and push him out of the way. A painful, icy blast hits me straight on in my face, and it feels like my eyes and my skin are burning. I've been slushied before, but never like this.

I'm screaming in pain, and I'm forcing my eyes closed. But as they slam shut, images appear across my vision.

* * *

**22. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I hear his screams and they slam through my weak body like bullets. I see him fall to the ground, crying and screaming in pain.

But then it's not him I see anymore.

It's me.

* * *

**23. Westerville (Blaine)**

I don't know where this is coming from, but I feel like I've seen it all before. And then I see him.

Julian.

He's walking down a street, lost in his own happy world. There are three men behind him, following, covering their faces and conspiring. I shout out to warn him, but he can't hear me.

* * *

**24. The Neverplace (Julian)**

Suddenly, I feel something cold and sharp at my side. My bag is wrenched from my hands, and another set of hands is pushing me into the mouth of the alleyway. I stumble, I try to get away, they catch me again.

They demand my wallet, my cell phone, my everything.

"Don't scream, and we'll let you get back to your little girlfriend," one of them hisses.

"Don't - have - one," I gasp. I don't know why I'm talking, but I know I have to do something.

His eyes glint behind the ski mask. "Oh? Then who were you planning on watching this movie with? Your boyfriend?"

I don't say anything, but something in my face must tell him he's right.

"Well, this changes things then."

* * *

**25. Westerville (Blaine)**

The pain from the slushie is receding, and I can hear voices and feel soft hands on me. But I'm not there, not really, not if I'm also watching this.

I watch as the man hits Julian harder than anything I can imagine, harder than those boys at the dance could have ever hit.

I know what's coming, Julian's parents told me when I screamed and shouted and demanded to know what had happened. I try to screw up my eyes to block it out, but they're already closed.

I can't do anything to help him.

* * *

**26. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I'm crying, sobbing, and I'm not here anymore, not really. I'm not watching anymore, I'm there. I'm remembering, and I wish for all the world that I could forget again.

A pain like none I'd ever imagined is exploding in my backside, and I can hear my sobs and screams mixing in with their laughter.

* * *

**27. Westerville (Blaine)**

They're laughing. _Laughing_.

I can't even tell who it is now, the men or my friends - laughing as they watched Julian die or laughing as they walked away from my slushied body on the ground.

* * *

**28. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I thought it was over when he pulled out.

But then they all dove down on me again. They're hitting and kicking and I'm screaming, and then - I hear it.

A police siren in the distance.

* * *

**29. Westerville (Blaine)**

I can hear whispers about an ambulance, and I just want it to come faster, save him faster. But I know it doesn't get there in time.

And then the sirens blast through my aching head, and I feel stronger and more sure hands lifting me up.

* * *

**30. The Neverplace (Julian)**

"Shit."

"Someone must've heard him."

"What do we do?"

And then a blinding pain, rivaling that which I feel all over, and I realise it's the knife that had been forced up against me at first.

* * *

**31. Westerville (Blaine)**

In the ambulance, I try to open my eyes, hoping that will end the horrible film that has been playing on the backs of my eyelids. But I feel even more pain as I open them, and slam them immediately shut.

I feel a pinching, slicing, horrible pain in my stomach, and I know that nothing has happened, but I can still see the red stained silver knife before my closed eyes.

* * *

**32. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I feel nothing.

I'm staring at the surface of a muddy pond and I feel nothing.

The Neverplace is crashing down around me.

* * *

**33. Westerville (Blaine)**

"Julian," I whisper.

* * *

**34. The Neverplace (Julian)**

I hear my name. I hear his voice say my name.

This is the first time in months that I've heard his voice, and it had been so dull in the neverpond for so long before that. But it's clear as day.

I love him.

The world that is literally crashing to pieces around me brightens up. A chunk of sky falls and it is no longer stormy gray, but sunny.

I love him.

I can stand up as the rubble crashes around me.

I love him.

The muddy pond is clearing up. It is growing deeper and deeper and it is turning back into the neverpond.

I love him.

And suddenly, everything freezes for just a moment. In that moment, I know. I'm not meant to stay here forever. He doesn't need me anymore, and as much as that hurts, I am happy. I'm glad that he's found something.

There are rings of water on the surface of the neverpond. It's never moved before, and now that the Neverplace is frozen, it shouldn't be moving.

And I realise. The Neverplace is frozen _for me_. I could just end with my Neverplace now that my purpose has been served, but it's realized that he might still need me once more. And it's opening that portal for me to say goodbye. It's giving me a choice.

I love him.

And he loves me.

I jump.

* * *

**35. Westerville (Julian)**

I'm in a hospital room, looking down at him on the bed. He's asleep, or sedated, and his sheets are wrinkled and knotted like he'd been thrashing around, even if he's calm now.

There are others in the room, but they can't see me. I don't exist anymore.

Still, I walk up to the boy who is so perfect for him, maybe better than I could have ever been. "Watch over him for me," I say, despite knowing that my words are falling on deaf ears, ears which exist in a different plane than me.

His bed is the perfect height for me to crawl into. I wrap my arms around him as best as I can, and I can feel him sigh as the tension all seems to melt away.

"You'll be okay. You're going to be amazing. You're going to be in love and you're going to live and you're going to do everything," I whisper. "I love you." I pause, and I look around at the room. This is my end. This is it. "I love you so much, don't ever forget that. Goodbye, Blaine."

* * *

**36. Westerville (Blaine)**

I woke up warmer and more rested than I had been in ages. I thought I felt a pair of arms around me and my first thought was Kurt, but it smelled different. Different, but so, so familiar. I swore that I could, impossibly, hear Julian, but before I could turn my head, he was gone.

But the golden warmth had returned in full.

* * *

The nurse came by this morning to tell me that I was being discharged. She offered to help me with my things since my depth perception would be off until I grew used to the eyepatch, but I declined her help.

I wanted to take one last moment in the room.

I knew I had felt Julian in here. I had witnessed his last moments, and then he had come to me. That had to be it. If I told anyone, they'd think I was crazy, but I knew it was true.

At least I know that he's okay after all.

Something catches my eye as I'm about to go meet my parents at the nurse's station. It's hiding behind one of the vases of flowers from my friends, and if I hadn't been standing exactly here, I wouldn't have even noticed it.

I walk over and reach around, and my fingers close around folded paper. I gasp, feeling tears spring to my eyes before pulling my hand out.

It's a paper crane.

* * *

_******Warnings**: character death (oc, dead the whole time), violence, implied rape/sexual assault._

**Note**: Well, I really hope you enjoyed this. Like I said before, it's different than anything I've tried before. I really don't write first-person anymore and I usually hate to read it, too - so thanks to all those who feel the same way but stuck with this story. The slushie/attack/flashback scene at the end was definitely one of the hardest things I've tried, and I hope I was able to convey the chaos and confusion and connection between the two boys well enough.

There's a soundtrack to this fic - songs mentioned and songs that inspired it - on my tumblr. The url is my-own-patronus if anyone is interested.


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